Thanks to all the entrants for the Bardic Contest! It took us three days to decide on our winner(s), because the quality of the entries was so high. You are all fantastic! The discussion came down to a top four, all superb for different reasons. We did have to settle on one final winner, however, so we ended up adding three 'Honourable Mention' slots - you guys will be hearing from us privately as well over the next day or two.
Note: Some of the music links are to the original versions of the songs (where no recording of the filker was provided), and some are to audio of the competitor doing their thing. All copyrights remain with their respective creators. Enjoy!
Our winner: Fang, an original work (now with video!) by Frank de Boer
The musical style, the instrumentals, the original tune and lyrics all contributed to making this one of the favourites of all three judges!
Change your course, change your tack
Fang approaches clad in black
No one speaks his language
He works in mysterious ways
He'll eat you like a sandwich
You'd better count your days
Some deny and mock him
They say he has no brains
But the waves quiver beneath him
A dreaded pirate he remains
Honourable Mentions (In No Particular Order)
Julie Golick: Baron, Oh Baron
Julie sent us three entries, and this one was our favourite (though it was very, very close. This woman is awesome!) Meant to be sung as a duet, the evocative lyrics struck a chord with all of us.
by Julie Golick, "The Pocket Bard"
to the tune of "Captain, Oh Captain" by Heather Jones
Baron, oh Baron, there's trouble, it's true
There's no rest in Elwood, our safety is through
An army of goblins besieges the town
They're under the power of King Lewstrom's crown
Summon your courage, and be of good cheer
Though Elwood's surrounded, our course is still clear
There's always a method, escape to be had
'Cause leading the goblins is Razortooth's dad
Baron, oh Baron, there's trouble, it's true
We need to find Clover to take down King Lew
We've chartered a vessel, but broke the main mast
We'll never escape from the waters so vast
Summon your courage, and be of good cheer
We don't need the main mast, a plan will appear
We'll summon a serpent, a beast of the sea
And harness its power to reach Drostardy
Baron, oh Baron, there's trouble, it's true
Below the Black Mountain, there's fighting anew
The dead have arisen, they march on us now
And Bloodhand is massing the orcs and the Drow
Summon your courage, and be of good cheer
We'll never surrender, though death may be near
We'll hold back the zombies with every last swing
Till Clover can save us and take Lewie's ring
Baron, oh Baron, there's trouble, it's true
Our heroes lie dying, what more can we do?
Fill up your tankards, for Kila is dead
Lolth has arisen and bit off her head
by Dave Wilson
to the tune of 'Battle Hymn of the Republic'
Hurry, lock up the Black Mountain,
and then seal up all the caves,
There is something weirder here than
an otyugh with a babe.
I know you won't believe it, but I'll tell you this right now,
A woodelf wants to be a drow!
Lolth, oh Lolth, what was she thinking?
Lolth, oh Lolth, what was she thinking?
My poor stomach it is sinking,
This twit wants to be a drow!
I kid you not, it wasn't all that very long ago
When she showed up at the entrance and she just refused to go
A princess lacking mental health,
This Dewcup they called her, the evil-good elf!
Harpies everywhere were shrieking,
I just doubled up my drinking,
Soon the caverns they were reeking
from woodelf floral scent!
Arachne tried to teach her how to be a proper drow,
but Dewcup would always find a way to mess things up somehow,
Though they found each other hot, you know it wasn't meant to be
Dewcup married Summerheat!
Burn the forest down around their ears!
Chimera's breath of fire is searing all their rears,
Learn this lesson well and you will live, my dears
Don't ditch a bitchy drow
by Luis Aldamiz
to the tune of 'Yellow Submarine' by the Beatles
Change your course, change your tack,
Fang approaches clad in black.
Don't you shiver? Don't you hide?
Run away before he's by.
Chorus:
We all love the Dreaded Captain Fang!
The Dreaded Captain Fang! The Dreaded Captain Fang!
We all love the Dreaded Captain Fang!
The Dreaded Captain Fang! The Dreaded Captain Fang!
The Goblin Port Authority
Was never able to catch him.
They had cannons and many a ship
But with that Turbo he escaped free.
(chorus)
Other pirates do sail the seas:
Matheson, Giovanna and those you dream.
They are all blunt, cruel and brave
but none of them has got Fang's brain.
[Mr. Izquxxisquid shows up and drools: Braaains!]
(chorus)
The Broken Promise was his boat,
a name that caused all to fear.
The goblins made a hole in it
but he recycled the goblin ship.
(chorus)
Only one man knows all these waters
well enough to sail them safe.
I bet you guessed, I bet you know:
his name is Fang and he's no fake!
(chorus)
What is he thinking? What does he want?
He's truly hard to anticipate.
His words may not make too much sense
but it's a trick: you should beware!
(chorus)
Many a foe would like him dead
but swords and guns do not touch him.
Is it just luck or maybe skill?
With no fear Fang ducks everything.
(chorus)
Even the orcs, who are most fierce,
who dream with battles even awake,
humbly admitted that our Fang
is of all beings the one most brave.
(chorus)
And there's a story you may not know.
Should I speak or bit my tongue?
The rumor is that Fang, not Runt,
pulled certain axe from that stone.
(chorus)
Many other bards around this place
sing other glories, chant other names.
They may sing better than this one here
but I'm who honors the greatest fame.
(chorus)
We all love the Dreaded Captain Fang!
Because he makes us laugh! Because he's the most fun!
We all love the Dreaded Captain Fang!
Because he makes us laugh! Because...
[Music fades, Fang appears and exclaims: Gasp, apples!]
by John Aldridge
to the tune of 'Into The Night' by Carlos Santana
There were Orcs, there were Humans
but they fought side by side,
With all of their problems,
Lain down behind.
There was the fire in their souls
As they surveyed the wall
Assured in their victory
Against goblins all.
There were swords in the air
And axes held high,
And the ground started rumbling
as the crowd thundered by!
And they yelled "Hey-oh-ey-oh-ey-oh-ey!"
And their voices sang as the Goblins quaked.
Screaming "Hey-oh-ey-oh-ey-oh-ey!"
And they raged on into the Fight!
"Hey-oh-ey-oh" x2
And they raged on into the Fight!
The young king in front
as he was setting the pace.
You can tell how he felt
from the look on his face.
He was spinning in circles
and felling his foes,
Even though he to stand
On the tips of his toes!
With the power of humans
and Orcs at his side,
There was no way the goblins
could push back the tide!
And they yelled "Hey-oh-ey-oh-ey-oh-ey!"
And their voices sang as the Goblins quaked.
Screaming "Hey-oh-ey-oh-ey-oh-ey!"
And they raged on into the Fight!
"Hey-oh-ey-oh" x2
And they raged on into the Fight!
"Hey-oh-ey-oh" x2
And they raged on into the Fight!
(musical interlude)
There were Orcs, there were Humans
but they fought side by side,
With all of their problems,
Lain down behind.
There was the fire in their souls
As they surveyed the wall
Assured in their victory
Against goblins all.
There were swords in the air
And axes held high,
And the ground started rumbling
as the crowd thundered by!
And they yelled "Hey-oh-ey-oh-ey-oh-ey!"
And their voices sang as the Goblins quaked.
Screaming "Hey-oh-ey-oh-ey-oh-ey!"
And they raged on into the Fight!
Screaming "Hey-oh-ey-oh-ey-oh-ey!"
And they raged on into the Fight! ( And their voices sang as the Goblins quaked.)
Screaming "Hey-oh-ey-oh-ey-oh-ey!"
And they raged on into the Fight!
"Hey-oh-ey-oh-ey-oh-ey!"
"Hey-oh-ey-oh-ey-oh-ey!"
Screaming "Hey-oh-ey-oh-ey-oh-ey!"
And they raged on into the Fight!
by Julie Golick (aka "The Pocket Bard"), 2009
To the tune of 'Never Quite Eden' by Heather Dale
Won't you sing of the wood-elf
All the chaos she deals
Her eyes gleam ahead
Anarchy nips at her heels
Frolicking in daytime
And bold in the night
I hope her alignment's all right
Dewcup they called her
The evil-good elf
Won't you tell me her tale?
Won't you sing of the wood-elf
What happened when she lived in the caves
She sheltered the plants
Later she tended the slaves
Leather-clad in darkness
And floral in light
I hope her alignment's all right
Dewcup they called her
The evil-good elf
Won't you tell me her tale round the fire?
Dewcup they called her
The evil-good elf
Not like another
She's truly herself
And I don't think that this wood-elf
Should be so confused in her plight
And I hope her alignment's all right
by Julie Golick (aka "The Pocket Bard"), 2009
To the tune of "Zoot Suit Riot" by the Cherry Poppin' Daddies
What's that ship sailin' all askew?
Genius captain and a wanted crew
Masts unfurled and banners fly
Captain Kobold? He's your guy!
Never know what's next
When the captain comes to town
Make all of your plans
Still he's gonna bring you down
Broken Promise
Ride like the wind out of here
Broken Promise
Got a cannon and he feels no fear
Broken Promise
Ride like the wind out of here
Broken Promise
Got a cannon and he feels no fear
Go Fang!
Walks through the battle without a scratch
Faced Crown Tourney to the final match
Change your course and change your tack
Fang approaches clad in black!
See him come your way
And you want him in a cell
Better keep your wits
'Cause he's gonna bring you hell
Broken Promise
Ride like the wind out of here
Broken Promise
Got a cannon and he feels no fear
It's the Broken Promise!
It's the Broken Promise!
It's the Broken Promise!
(scatting)
Oh, you see him come your way
And you want him in a cell
Better keep your wits
'Cause he's gonna bring you hell
Broken Promise
Ride like the wind out of here
Broken Promise
Got a cannon and he feels no fear
Broken Promise
Ride like the wind out of here
Broken Promise
Got a cannon and he feels no fear
It's the Broken Promise!
It's the Broken Promise!
It's the Broken Promise!
by Henrik Munthe-Kaas
To the tune of 'You're Gonna Go Far, Kid', by The Offspring
Heed my warning well
If you are travelling the sea
Know that if you encounter Fang
You only got one option, Flee
Kobold captain Fang
Is leader of a ruthless gang
If Broken Promise makes debut
You know what you must do
Change your course, change your tack
Fang approaches clad in black
You know your life is through
When Fang bears down on you
If Broken Promise's here
You had better fear
What Fang will do
If he gets his hands on you
Fierce like a hellcat
He's a cunning diplomat
Thinks Captain Matheson is gay
The scourge of Hobgoblin Bay
No one dares debate
His infamous whelm
It's well-known he's the "Fourth
Greatest Fighter in the Realm"
At "Double palm beach"
Along with Northrealm and the dead
His crew defeated Mathesons
Before Giovanna fled
His uncanny strategies forced
Matheson and his brutal gang
Towards the Northrealm soldiers
And it was all because of Fang
Change your course, change your tack
Fang approaches clad in black
You'd better commit seppuku
Before you let Fang get to you
Dread pirate Fang is here
And the reason's clear
Listen to his yip
He's gonna board your ship
Maim and kill!
Fierce like a hellcat
He's a cunning diplomat
Thinks Captain Matheson is gay
The scourge of Hobgoblin Bay
No one dares debate
His infamous whelm
It's well-known he's the "Fourth
Greatest Fighter in the Realm"
Change your course, change your tack
Fang approaches clad in black
Fall to your knees and pray
That you'll see another day
Don't think he'll care
He is just, not fair
Really nothing you can do
Fierce like a hellcat
He's a cunning diplomat
Thinks Captain Matheson is gay
The scourge of Hobgoblin Bay
No one dares debate
His infamous whelm
It's well-known he's the "Fourth
Greatest Fighter in the Realm"
Got comebacks
Puller of the axe
Fight like he was sent from hell
Better make your last farewell
If you hear his cry
Knows you're gonna die
Hope he'll listen to your pray
That you'll see another day
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